At last, something to rouse us from our months' long slumber. As you may know, the proprietor of this site enjoys the game of baseball, or, as some wags have dubbed it, "fatball". Anyhow, we especially enjoy attending live professional performances at the local concrete bowl, the "Rogers Center", to watch those Blue Jays (how about those Blue Jays!)
So, anyway, this article which we recently stumbled across spells out exactly what is wrong about these baseball games at the Rogers Center/Skydome. Namely, the idiotic promotions, and the spectators who enjoy them. The Quintonian loves the free market as much as the next guy, but, c'mon, get outta here. The mass spectacle of endless shiny lights and hippity hop, MCed by morons and dancing little ferrets, must end. It's insulting to the sport, and to those fans with dignity. Anyhow, read on:
Take me out to the mall game
http://drunkjaysfans.blogspot.com/2007/07/take-me-out-to-mall-game.html
OK, that has to be the worst post title in the history of DJF or maybe the history of blogs. But fuck it. This is all about the atrocity you witness any time you check out our beloved Jays at what is supposed to be their sanctuary. Even more so on weekends. This is about feeling your ears bleed in the 6th inning after being bombarded by repeated advertising for things you have absolutely no interest in. Even more so when the dome is closed. This is about not even complaining about it because it's there and we've become numb to it. Even more so on five pints of beer. This is all about the super shitty promotional shit at the Rogers Centre and the tool who puts it in your face, Ryan Greer.
First of all, Greer, sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. Most of you will know this douche as the "host" of the Rogers Centre on otherwise perfectly beautiful days to watch a ball game. What Greer does is turn that beautiful day into an onslaught of capitalist bullshit that he will spew through the microphone with his dickhead voice of relentless faux enthuisasm until you are so depressed, you wish you'd never come to the game at all. He is a great example of everything that is wrong with capitalism. The guy is a total asshole and thinks he's a total hotshot celebrity. You know the type. I've seen him getting "ready" for one of his announcements and he is stressed as fuck and treats his crew and whoever is around him like dirt. But once the camera's on, he's all smiles. Dude, you announce promotions. You are not a star, you're a fucking tool.
I missed out on two games this weekend and I would say 99% of the reason for that is due to this piece of shit (the other 1% not wanting to jinx Towers' outing yesterday). Seriously, why do we have so much promotional shit at the Dome? Simmer the fuck down, Ted! How much more money do you need to make? If I'm not watching a rigged Staples truck race, then I'm being told to lose my shit for a fucking Klondike bar. Now considering they probably charge $10 for a Klondike bar at the Dome, I guess I can see some appeal in getting a free one. But have you seen how some people seriously lose it for this stuff? And that's the saddest thing, all these fuckfaces in the crowd go for this shit. They cheer louder for the promotions than the Jays.
And that's a problem with society in general. But it sucks to see this at the ball park cause one of the reasons why I like to watch baseball is because it temporarily makes me feel that life is somewhat worth living for. But you can't even watch a ballgame without being reminded that mankind really does suck shit and that everything is terrible. Let's take a look at some of the culprits who are ruining the game:
1. The Pizza Pizza "Seven strikeouts" promotion: Now this one used to seem harmless and even kind of like a bonus. I mean, shit, the Jays get seven strikeouts, and we get rewarded. Seems like a utopian agenda. But I've come to fucking loath this one. Thing is, you're in the top of the ninth inning, it's a close one and you're losing your mind, and instead of having the fans giving props to the Beej or Accardo or whoever, we've got the whole stadium chanting "Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!" Now really, chanting "pizza" is beyond retarded. You might as well get yourself a styrofoam tomahawk and move to Atlanta. This promotion apparently completely miffed BJ Ryan in one of his earlier save situations last year. And I don't blame him. You're supposed to be excited about the game, not about a bland slice of pepporoni pizza that tastes like shit. Frankly, most of you have probably been loading up on greasy shit food the whole game. The last thing you need is a slice on top of that. And also, this poor promotion means drunk dickheads harrassing the poor people who have to work at this godforsaken hellhole food chain (Parkes, Stoeten). Pizza Pizza, go fuck yourself. Your pizza is never hot or fresh and it fucking sucks.
2. The fucking El Ranchero Chili race or whatever the fuck it is: OK people, this promotion is not funny. I know you think it is. But it's not. You probably all thought "Full House" was or still is funny. And I know AJ kinda gave it some cred, but that's old now, too. Seriously, this promotion sorta reminds me of the highlight of my working life spent at Blockbuster during the time when they used a computer animated guinea pig and rabbit (voiced by James Belushi, who's a tool, and James Woods, who is fucking insane) to sell their shitty product. They would do the most unfunny things. Like spontaneously start dancing to "Maniac" and yelling "Shake what your momma gave you!" Yeah. Think about those fucking Bell ads with the fucking beavers. They were so offensively unfunny, I thought Blockbuster might actually lose customers due to this marketing campaign. But holy fuck me, whenever those commercials aired in the store, customers would stop whatever the fuck they were doing to watch those ads and laugh their balls off. I've never thought the same of people since. So if you really bust a gut seeing people dressed up as chili peppers with shades on, you're a sad fuck.
3. The Fedex "Holy shit! What the fuck is in the box?" promotion: Had I never found out what was in these stupid boxes by this stupid company, I would still hate this fucking promotion. Simmer the fuck down, people! It's not a million dollars. It's not an all expenses paid cruise trip. It's not even a fucking bus ticket to fucking Scarborough. You get a fanny pack. There you go. But go ahead and lose your fucking mind and make a complete moron out of yourself. For a fanny pack. (I previously reported the prize to be a fanny box, which understandably I would lose my shit for, too.) Seriously though, folks, only way to justify this sad display of consumerism is if these boxes contained autographed Josh Towers jerseys.
On another pop culture sidenote, this promotion always reminds me of a scene in one of the greatest movies of all time, "UHF," where a contestant on "Wheel of Fish" chooses the box over the red snapper as her prize. When it's revealed that there is in fact nothing in the box, Kuni, Weird Al's Japanese martial arts instructor neighbour and host of the show, berates the contestant by repeatedly calling her stupid. If only he was running the show at the Rogers Centre.
4. On that note, it's amazing just how fucking cheap these companies are with their promotions. Not only do they have no creativity, they don't even pay up. On a fateful day last year, the Chairman, James and I were suddenly caught in the middle of a Mr. Sub "Holy shit! Get the fucking sub to the end of the fucking aisle quickly!" promotion. To the amazement of my friends and myself, I got really amped and serious about the whole thing. See, I was fucking hungry. And while I would never spend real money on Mr. Sub or any of the godawful food at the Rogers centre (save for the french fries and nacho combo, delicious!), this almost seemed too perfect. I would be satiated by a free sub. Now I've seen winners receive subs before, but after we won (key is to just fucking throw it over, especially if you have a bunch of geezers in your row), we got fucking T-shirts. You can't eat a shirt. Amazingly, James still has mine and wears it all the time.
But we still buy into it. Why is that? While our futile attempts to get away from the stress of capitalism must inevitably fuel the system itself, why does it have to suck so bad? I hardly want to start giving you the impression that I'm a raging communist, but from what I've been told, it's much more pleasant to watch a ball game in fucking Yankee stadium or Fenway cause they don't beat you over the head with ads. And that's just fucked up. We shouldn't have to suffer through this shit. I'm here to watch a ball game, the greatest game on earth, without the voice of Jamie Campbell or Ron Black to fuck it up. Don't go botching the peace and quiet and tranquility of a ball game with promos for stupid products that suck. Jays fans, you can help by not lifting a fucking finger when they tell you to lose your shit and actually cheering for the Jays when they make a good play. Imagine how much you'd piss off Ted that way. Shit, I'd even tolerate you doing the wave just to vent all of your consumer urges if you could actually pull that off. But just once, cause the wave really fucking sucks.
During my tenure here on the north coast, I haven't been back to the Skydome, so I can't relate any observations about the recent promotions during Jays games. However, it seems like maybe the one thing more civilized here than back in the Big Smoke is the lack of promotions at Indians games. There is a hotdog race put on by a local hotdog company, and someone wins a free pizza, and that's about it. The 24oz cans of Blue go for $7.
Posted by: northCoaster | August 03, 2007 at 05:30 AM